What I Wanted To Say

Today is the fourth day since I learned you were gone. I've spent my days covered in grief, covered by sorrow, covered by a fragile fleeting facade. I go through the every day motions, trying my best to get through it all. Because even though I never got to know you, I know you would want there to be happiness in this house again.
So on this day, I looked past the fog in my head and out at the day shining in through the back door. Even though I knew there was a chill in the air, the sun shone so brightly and it suddenly made the world so madly and impossibly beautiful. Yes, the thought perhaps is silly, but my bones told me that this day was for you. The innumerable wild green tones, the placid sound of the frigid breeze through the trees, the aching sunshine hitting the blades of grass that I longed to see you run through. Something in this day made me find this necessary. I dreamt of holding you forever in my arms. Wrapped up in that beautiful sunshine that I will never be able to capture. Just like I will never be able to capture you. Because just like that beautiful sunshine, you too have now set into the horizon. Night comes too soon, and the starry universe twinkles it all away. Leaving only the memory of that perfect beauty you'll never quite encounter again.
I wish I could tell you all the things I wanted you to know in this world. But I know I will never be able to recall it all and really none of it matters much in whatever realm that your spirit may lie. What truly pains me is that I will never get to show you all the things I wanted you to see and experience. Like some days, by chance, if you wake up early and there's a glint of joy in your heart, you can see a magnificent glowing sunrise that truly makes life worth going on for. Just on the off chance that you might catch something like it again. Like the feeling of immense joy and immense pain that a tiny child can well up inside you. It is in moments like these that you truly know you are alive.
I am sorry that you will never see and feel those things. And the millions of other things that would have molded you into the beautiful person that I know you would have been. You will always be my child and I will always hold you in my heart.
I don't know how the universe works, but maybe someday I will see you again and I will be given another chance to know the tiny spirit who has already changed my life so much. I love you my baby.

Love,
Mommy